Men's Health UK: A Critical Review

By Adam Sinicki

For the past six years I have been loyally buying Men's Health and have only missed about five issues since 2002 (yes - Men's Health readers can do Maths!). Unlike most readers however, I am fully aware that in doing so I am proving myself a complete sap. Why do I still buy it then? I don't know, perhaps because I'm a mindless sheep who's easily won over by the marketing, or perhaps because on some level, deep down in my subconscious, I hate myself. Who knows?

Hopefully it's the former, and that seems quite likely as the marketing is damn clever. As anyone who's picked up an issue will testify the promises on the front cover very rarely bare any relation to the articles inside. Every issue promises 'Great Sex', 'Earn an extra �1,000 in a month' and 'massive guns'. Unforunately promises such as '�1,000 in a month' often refer to an article on holding a great car boot sale, a list of alternative jobs, or how you can cut your expenditure by not feeding your cat. To be fair I'm not really sure what I expected to find, perhaps the location of some buried treasure? It just goes to show what a dope I am.

The hype and the marketing continue even once you get inside the magazine though. Not content with tricking you into subscribing to their lies, they then use this opportunity to sell you every aftershave, moisturiser, dietary supplement and electronic gizmo under the sun. This is achieved not only through the adverts (most of which are disturbingly homo-erotic) but in the articles themselves. Got a skin problem? Why not try Nivea for Men's new advanced face oil - only �99999 from Boots or Superdrug. Got a girl problem? Why not spray on some Joop - now reduced to �99999? Jesus! (And we all know the 'how to pull girls' features are only thrown in to 'prove' that it's not a gay mag).

The actual health side of the magazine is also rather lacking and usually consists of one or two gimicky workouts and a Q&A section. I don't think I've learned anything new that I've used in my training in my six years of reading. There's nothing on the lifestyle of someone who trains, no new or unusual training methods, no interviews, no product reviews... for a magazine that claims to focus on health this section is remarkably slim. It seems to barely scratch the surface of training without explaining any of the science or the reason behind what it advises. At times it even contradicts itself within the same issue - I'm so confused as to whether I should be drinking caffeine or not... actually no I'm not - I have a mind of my own. It just seems like its badly researched - like they got most of their advice from Wikipedia. Don't even get me started on their lame pop-psychology (if she exposes her wrist she obviously loves you and wants to have wild sex, she's probably also up for anal and a threesome - puhlease!).

To be fair there is the occasional meaty article. A recent expose on ecstasy for example was fairly controversial and interesting, but these are depressingly few and far between, mostly replaced by lists of myths or things you can eat... joy!

Making it worse is the constant touting of the 'metrosexual' lifestyle. The magazine itself claims that this is now unfashionable and uncool (I can't even remembered the term they tried to coin for the man of 2008), but surely a man who moisturises and maintains his cuticles must be either metro or homo. Little do the readers realise that they are far more likely to have more success in their careers and relationships by simply growing a pair. Just look at the 'fashion' section at the back - is that the sort of man you aspire to be like? If so then you should take a knife to yourself as soon as you've finished reading this article.

The problem is the competition however. The alternative to Men's Health is either something like Flex, which is strictly for the harcore bodybuilder and only interesting if you follow the lives of Cutler and Co. It's pretty niche. Or you can pick up Men's Fitness which is essentially an entire magazine of the drab, uninspired and depth-less health section I described earlier - it's not really for those of us who want people to declare us as 'destroyer of worlds'. For the meaty articles you can always try something like Esquire, but chances are only one or two will grab your attention and the rest will be about the stock market or something intelligent. If only The Biomatrix was a magazine eh?

Actually I think I read it for the cover model competition which I'm deluded enough to think I can win.


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