Choosing A Gym.

You've been thinking about it for a while and have finally come to the conclusion that it's time to join a gym. Good man! You've now made the first step towards becoming a fully fledged gym rat and like the Chinese say - even the greatest journey must start with a single step (although these days most people go by car).
Now another challenge faces you - actually choosing a gym to go to! With so many health spas, sports centres and old-fashioned gyms all fighting for your attention it's easy to get confused and make an uninformed decision. Fear not however, as by filling out the questions below you should be able to find the perfect gym for you - one that caters to your unique needs. Because you're an individual, never let anyone else tell you different (unless you're a twin).

Don't worry, we don't store any of your answers on these tests so you can be completely honest. It'll be our little secret eh?
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Experience

Do you have any experience in the gym?

I'm a veteran with years of hardcore experience behind me.
I've got a fair bit of experience under my belt.
I've been to a gym before but I wouldn't call myself an expert exactly... Just your regular joe!
I've never been a member of a gym.
What is this... gym?
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Goals

So why are you going?

To scout for birds!
To become a humanisaurus! (really big mofo)
Just to keep up a general level of health.
I want to gain some muscle! Yeah!
I'm morbidly obese. Everyone hates me. I smell. I haven't seen my penis in years... Help me...
To tone up
I want to get a beach body.
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Moolah

How much money do you have to spare?

I could buy Richard Branson and make him my Gimp.
I chew on dog biscuits because it's all I can afford to eat/I'm a student.
I'm pretty standard in terms of cash.
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Extras

Are you likely to use the extra amenities? Swimming pool, classes etc?

Yes
No
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You

What would you class yourself as?

A powerlifter
A bodybuilder
An average guy
A wimpling/out of shape/fatty fat fat
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Colour

What is your favorite colour?

Red
Green
Sort of aqua marine with a hint of gold. Like Gold sparkles...
My favorite has been left off the list...
This is blatantly irrelevant - I refuse to jump through hoops for you
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Now that you know which type of gym you're looking for you should go to have a look around. Make sure you go during peek time (just after work Monday-Friday), as that way you can get a good idea for how crowded it usually gets. If there are hardly any machines free then try looking elsewhere.
Other things to look out for are: unfriendly receptionists, long waiting times to see staff, dirt on the machines/out of order areas (1 or 2 is acceptable), the types of people there and the number of offers (offers are bad - it means you might be able to get it cheaper later, and it means they're desperate to get more people in).
Failing that you could always check out the reviews on this site!